Kareoke will never be a sober sport
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
