there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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