This is not my ceiling
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
