I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
