Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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