I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
