Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
