if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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