2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
