The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
