recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
