I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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