We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
