i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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