you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
