new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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