I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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