The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
