I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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