yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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