I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
