I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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