My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
