it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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