I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
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