I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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