Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
