Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
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Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
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future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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