somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
