Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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