I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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