Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Randomize
