google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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