go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
