you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
