shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
