come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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