Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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