I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
