I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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