The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
