if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
