Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize