Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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