eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
