Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
