I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
