Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
