He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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