Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
