Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
