All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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