i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
