I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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