I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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