someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
