upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
