I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
