He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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