why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
