youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
that's an acceptable place to lick
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
