...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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