Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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