If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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