hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
